Consummate Ennui
by Damned Lolita
Summary: Crack, AU, and just my own mindless thought discharge. Drabbles for romance, humor, and whatever else I can think of. ::Chapter Twelve:: Mikami served God. But when God asked the impossible, Mikami is left alone...
1. L:Light:Hiding the Evidence

(Because I'm not updating slow enough already, I have now started a series of drabbles, focusing on all the fic ideas I get that are too short to be an actual oneshot. For the record, since they're so short, the first few updates will be in twos and threes; after I get rid of all my dormant plot bunnies, they'll come about slower, but...

Okay. This is pointless fluff, which is obvious, but a quick note; this is when Light gave up the Death Note and was all 'blah blah blah I'm mother-fucking-Teresa, _love me'_. Seriously, that boy's head needs to be EXAMINED.

Kira!Light: DESTROY ALL HOOMANS. YU AR EPIC FAIL.

Saint!Light: Oh, Kira is bad bad bad! Now who wants tea?

...Seriously! Disassociative Personality Disorder, anyone!? Oh, and I don't own Death Note.)

* * *

Do not think about the chain.

Do not think about the boy attached to it.

And most certainly do not think about fucking him.

L grumbled softly. Kira was still out there, and his only suspect was chained to him. Good thing, right?

Uh, no. The innocent, "_I'm-Light-Yagami-So-Innocent-and-Adorable-Fuck-Me" _act was getting really annoying. And arousing.

L had never even considered his sexuality before. It had never mattered to him in the slightest. But that was only until the Kira case started, and he met Light Yagami, boy genius and candidate for underwear model.

So he was gay, he supposed. Though to be fair, he'd never really looked at _anyone _before.

So maybe he was Lightsexual. That might be it.

...Making L distracted by being so damn attractive, percentage up by five percent. Being so attractive? Kira percentage down by fifteen percent.

L took another strawberry, and stared at the boy for a moment. He was closing up the systems for the night, since it was almost midnight, and while L didn't sleep, Light did.

What had surprised L more than anything was that Light-kun actually had offered to sleep in the same bed as him.

...Or perhaps surprised wasn't the right word. More like, "_Holy god, Light-kun wants me in his bed!" _L winced at his own thoughts, but he was still thrilled.

And poor Misa-Misa. Tut tut. Had to go to Venice for some filming on that movie she was in. Leaving L alone with Light.

If L was Kira, or at least some evil cartoon villain, he would be twirling his mustache and cackling madly right now.

"Ryuzaki?" L jumped, and it took a second for him to remember that this was his alias right now. He turned to Light, who had a look of concern on his face.

"Are you okay? You haven't said a word for almost an hour. Is something wrong?" L shook his head.

"No, I'm perfectly alright. You should get some sleep, though. You've been working incredibly hard tonight." Light looked surprised at the compliment, but then adjusted to it, and smiled self-consciously.

"Thank you, Ryuzaki." L shook his head, and bit his lip. _Do not blush. Do not blush. _"Certainly, Light-kun. We should go upstairs."

Light had to shower, which, ultimately, was a nightmare for L. After all, he was in the same room as Light's soaking wet naked body, and—

Gah! Don't even think about it. Pretend he's not there. L brushed his teeth, but Light was a notoriously long shower-taker, and wasn't even halfway through. For some reason, L got irritated at that.

"Light-kun, if you do not hurry up with your shower, I am going to have to finish mine with you. Please hurry." He said, and as soon as he did, his eyes widened.

He did _not _just say that.

Light stopped for a second. And then he opened the shower door, and grinned, leaning back on the porcelain wall. Bloody _hell. _L tried to avert his eyes—and ultimately failed.

"Well, with an incentive like _that, _why should I?" L's eyes almost fell out of his head.

Oh for the love of whatever was holy, Light was seducing him. L righted himself, and murmured, "Because you are a suspect in the Kira case. Seducing me is out of the question."

Light raised an eyebrow. "We've been over this a thousand times. I'm not Kira, and for the love of god, what do you mean, I'm_ seducing_ you? I'm inviting you to take a shower with me." L glared at him.

"That's seduction." Light grinned.

"Uh-uh. It's blatant sluttiness." L rolled his eyes.

"Light-kun, you are a brilliant person, so I will explain this quickly; I am not attracted to you." Light rolled his eyes. Pulling on the chain between the handcuffs, he said,

"Uh-huh. Then please explain this to me. Also, while you are at it, please explain why you still are sleeping in the same bed as me." L bit his lip.

"For one, it's a good way to keep an eye on you. Two, I'm sleeping in the same bed as you because..." He stopped.

Because he was attracted to Light.

What the fuck was he doing?! He'd admitted to himself he liked Light, and then when Light is blatantly seducing him, he denies it!

L steeled himself, leaned in, and kissed Light fully on the lips.

The room seemed to spin for a second, and Light was staring at him in amazement.

"Yes. There is a reason for me sleeping in the same bed. It's because I am trying to learn not to molest certain people in their sleep." He said in a deadly serious tone. Light shook his head.

"Tsk, tsk, Ryuzaki. Perhaps you could've tried that with someone else, but it won't work with me." He gestured to L's now-soaking wet clothes.

"So, going to get out of those and take a shower, or what?" L raised an eyebrow, and nodded, getting in the shower and sliding the door shut.

Moments later, with clothes tossed over the glass doors, the shower started up again.

"...Wait, why is the shower on, Ryuzaki?"

"...Hiding the evidence."


	2. HalMello:Yes, bad time!

(This is Hal/Mello crack, and a bit of a rewrite of actual canon events. I mean, Mello frickin' shows up after she just finished a shower! /Lucky bastard./ Dude! WTF?! I mean, that was kind of whoa. Also, I wanted to write some of this stuff after Mello's untimely death.

Goddamnit, I stand by Matt having red hair. Fuck the anime producers. /Growls angrily./

Mostly humor, also crack, OOC!Mello, but hell, who would keep their cool in that situation, anyways!? Don't own Death Note or DiFranco.)

* * *

Hal was simply trying to take a blasted shower. Near hadn't called yet, so all was quiet in her small apartment, save for the Ani DiFranco she had blasting on the radio. The shower was nice and warm, and it felt wonderful on her skin. She hadn't taken a shower in three days; when Near saw a chance at uncovering Kira, no one slept. _Ever._

Also, she'd gone without sleep for a different reason. A rival of Near's, Mello, had been rumored dead after the explosion of his Mafia hideout. She had actually felt a twinge of sadness; she'd met Mello once before, with the redhead friend of his, Matt, loyally by his side. He and Near had gotten into a screaming match over who was going to be L's successor; or, really, Mello screamed. Near simply spoke in that monotone he always took.

She shook her head. He'd been pretty nice-looking, too; shame, really. He seemed intelligent beyond that angry exterior. She sighed, and twisted the knobs of the shower, getting out, still dripping wet.

She looked around, and cursed. She'd forgotten to bring towels in with her. Well, there were some out on her bed, and of course, there was no one around to look anyways.

She slowly opened the door, and stepped out. The cool air from the open window danced around her, and she shivered slightly.

...Wait. Her window hadn't been open...

She turned around, and screamed.

No, that wasn't her scream.

"Mello! What the hell?!" Hal shrieked, immediately turning bright red.

The leather-clad chocoholic Mafia genius stood in her room, and _holy shit she was naked. _

Apparently, that was exactly what he was thinking as well. He opened his mouth, and said in a hoarse whisper, "Uh, hi. Did I come in at bad time?" She raised an eyebrow.

"You storm into my apartment with a gun, and interrupt my post-shower DiFranco session. Yes, this is a bad fucking time." Mello raised an eyebrow. She looked up at him. His eyes were a lovely shade of blue, and his skin was a perfect porcelain complexion. Except for that... mangled bit of his face. She caught sight of his scar, and he noticed it, wincing.

"Look, I know it's ugly, but—" She shook her head. Walking up to him, not even aware of the fact that she had absolutely nothing on, she leaned against him, chest against chest.

She reached up, and traced the scar, running a gentle finger across it. The part of his face that wasn't mangled burned bright red. "No. It's beautiful. It makes your face look so much more... interesting." And without thinking, she kissed the scar gently.

The boy stood there, mouth agape. It took him a minute to find a few words, but he managed to make out, "Please, god, not in these clothes. It _really _hurts to get an erection in tight pants." She rolled her eyes.

"I won't ask why and where you learned that. All I ask is that you take it off." His eyes shot open.

"Whoa! Okay, hi, I'm... kidnapping you. See? Gun?" He waved the thing in front of her. She sighed, and gestured to her chest.

"Not like this, ass. Come over here and let me get some clothes on." Mello grinned at that, and sat on her bed, lying down, legs splayed open.

"No. You come over here." Hal sighed, and said, "I thought tight pants were painful?" He raised himself back up again, and shook his head.

"They don't have to stay on, you know..." Hal grinned.

"Okay, fine. So, say they were to come off. What would happen then?" Mello pushed himself up off the bed, and put his hands on her hips.

"This."

And he kissed her, gently, softly, so much unlike the man she'd seen screaming at Near. She kissed back patiently, running her hands down his waist as he picked her up.

"Near hasn't called yet." Mello remarked. She nodded. "I figure we have about twenty minutes to kill. Shall we enjoy them?" Mello took a bite of his chocolate, having made itself back into his hands.

"Yeah."

If Near ever found out...

Hal had to laugh at that, in the aftermath and the quiet, Mello's warm body pressed against her own.

Oh, she couldn't wait for that.


	3. Mello:Matt:Spiders

(Wammy's house fun! God, I feel terrible for Roger. Cute Mello/Matt fluff, Near abuse, and childhood love. Ain't it grand? Hmmm. I don't own Death Note. Otherwise, Mello would have had more than four freaking cameos, Matt would be alive and a main character, Kyomi would be Kira and subsequently killed, and L and Light would be married. Yeah.

The movie in here is fake; I didn't want to use actual movie quotes, so I just threw every cliché possible in there.

Oh, for the record; Matt, twelve, Mello, twelve, Near, eleven.)

* * *

"Behave, you two." Roger admonished sternly to the two children. "People from the government are coming over today. Matt, no screaming 'Kill the bastards!' I don't _care _if you were talking about the level boss. Mello, no tying Near up and leaving him in the broom closet. Those spiders are poisonous, you know. Now, go out and play in the garden or something."

Mello sighed. "Fucking hell." Roger frowned, and snatched the chocolate bar out of the boy's hands.

"And this. No chocolate for now either; we don't need questions on our children's health in this interview." Mello gasped, and fell to his knees.

"Rotten bloody bastard! You're too bloody cruel!" He wailed, as Roger went back to the main office to discuss with the Wammy's funders.

Matt took Mello's hand. "Chill, Mel-Mel. We'll find something to do. It's summer, remember!?" Mello gazed murderously at his red-haired friend.

"Shut up. I'm in mourning." Matt rolled his eyes, and dragged Mello away, holding him tightly by the arm.

"No, you're not. Come on, I know a game we can play." Mello looked up.

"Does it involve misery coming Roger's way?" Matt thought for a second.

"You could say that..."

Mello nodded. "Back to our room first, then." On the way, they found Near in the hallway, setting up trains. Mello's eyes narrowed.

"Mello." He acknowledged. But the both of them knew it was a challenge, and Mello did_ not _back down from a challenge. He frowned, and hissed, "Spiders." Near stopped short.

"Well, the odds of you not getting caught for it are about forty-five percent, so..." Mello rolled his eyes, and took Near by the arm, dragging him down the hallway while Near spouted statistics on the inevitability of Mello's failure.

Mello opened the closet door, and shoved him in, locking it as he did so.

Silence for a second. Then, "Mello... the spiders look _angry..." _Matt rolled his eyes.

"You're a horrible person." Mello brushed his hair from his eyes, and grinned.

"Yeah, I'm a bitch. C'mon, love. About this game..." Matt smiled at him, and led him outside.

* * *

Back in the office, Roger was talking to two people from Parliament, a middle-aged man with premature graying hair, and a plump old woman with a generous amount of rouge on her cheeks.

"Yes, you see, many of our children here are quite intelligent and social with one another. They pick up on things quickly, and are being groomed as the world's next top detectives..."

"OH, I CAN'T STAND IT!" Roger jumped up. He yanked open the window, and thrust his head outside.

The svelte figure of Mello stood on the roof right across from the office; in clear view of the two officials. Roger looked down at the bar of chocolate on his desk and groaned quietly.

That was the trouble with genii; they didn't get _mad_, they got _even._

"THE POINTLESS _MADNESS_! THE ENDLESS _BUTCHERY_! LET IT END HERE, MY REIGN ON THIS BARREN WASTELAND! OH, BUT TO HAVE _LOVED_!" The two officials stared. Roger was going to _kill _that brat...

"I END IT HERE! GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD!" And with that said, Mello jumped off the roof.

The woman and Roger both screamed. "Mello! Get down from that roof!" Roger yelled, a second too late.

There was a soft _whump, _and Roger looked down. Matt, the young redheaded gamer, had just caught Mello in his arms. They looked like something out of a movie...

Roger's eyes widened. He _knew_ this movie. Oh dear...

And just like the protagonists from_ Lovely Boys, _the two began furiously making out, tongue involved and everything. What _really _disturbed Roger was that they were _twelve_... _why_ they knew how to kiss that well, he didn't know.

"_MELLO AND MATT_! QUIT YOUR LOVEMAKING THIS _INSTANT!" _Roger screamed. The man and woman stormed out of the room, probably never to come back.

Roger sighed. He had expected this, but...

* * *

"Mello." Roger acknowledged, handing the chocolate back to the boy. He grinned devilishly, and took a bite, smirking at Roger through a mouthful of candy.

"Matt, Mello... please, for the love of all that's holy, next time, don't do it in front of everyone. I'd appreciate if we didn't have the female residents out here squealing their lungs out."

They nodded, and went off. Roger sighed. That went well... but why was Mello laughing on his way out?

Roger's head shot up. "Oh god, where's Near?!"

_Back in the broom closet..._

"Help? They're coming for me... Roger? The spiders are _hungry..."_


	4. NearMello:Yes, Virginia, we're all mad

(Mello/Near because I CAN. Inspired by real-life Christmas events. Mello is violent, isn't he? Kind of crack, and for once, no Near abuse. Wow. These things shall happen, I suppose... The poor kid gets eaten by a snake next chapter, so...anyways, don't own.)

* * *

"Wake up, sheepie." Mello muttered, poking Near gently in the ribs. The albino rolled over, and grunted.

"Mel...Mello? What are you doing in my room?" Another thought came to him. "Did Santa come yet?" Mello shook his head.

"No. And the fucking cookies are EATEN! We need to find the culprit, like, now! If there's no cookies, there's no presents, 'cause Santa will think we're a bunch of cheap bastards. Matt's down there with the knife already, now get up and help us." He explained, yanking the young boy out of his bed and dragging him down the hallway.

Near sighed. "Why did you ask me to help you?" Mello whipped around to stare at him. He stared at Near for a second, and his eyes softened for a moment, before hardening again.

"Because you'll be our human sacrifice. Those reindeer have hooves, you know. And the fatman probably packs heat." Near blinked in surprise.

"That's not a nice thing to say about Santa." He said softly. Mello shrugged. "Look, I asked for a heat-seeking missile and poison darts last year. Did I get them? No! So, if he didn't bring them this year..." Mello made a slashing motion with his finger across his neck.

Near was still trying to process being yanked out of his bed by the boy that had always hated him at two in the morning to help said boy with his violent escapade.

He sighed, and went up to brush hair out of his eyes. Shockingly, Mello pulled his hand up, and brushed it away for him, stroking Near's forehead softly. It took him a minute, but he pulled away, and turned back, saying nothing.

They walked down in silence for a moment, before Near said, "Why are you always so angry, Mello?" He asked gently, not wanting to provoke the blonde. Mello shrugged.

"Isn't it obvious? You're supposed to be smart." He said this last part rather sullenly, looking away. "The other kids think it's funny that you're better. None of them 'cept Matt like me, 'cause they all want to be L, and I was the best... and then you came along, and you were better than me, and they all were _glad_...because they didn't like me." Near nodded.

It was true, he knew it. The kids always treated Mello to angry glares when he bested any of them on tests, and always laughed behind his back as Near outmaneuvered him, time after time. Near sighed.

"I see. Thank you, Mello." The two went into the common room, saying nothing.

"Hey guys! Okay, it's about midnight. Since I couldn't break into the kitchen, our plan is to wait until he comes down, grab the sack of toys, and either shove him in the fireplace or get him with a knife." Matt said. Near nodded, and sat on the fireplace steps.

Ten seconds... nine... eight...

Near turned to Mello. "I'm sorry." Mello raised an eyebrow. "For what?" He said, honestly confused.

Seven...six...five...

Near said, "I'm sorry everyone hates you. And I know you hate me, and I'm sorry, I just..."

Four...three...two...

Mello blinked, as Near smashed his lips against the blonde's. Matt mouthed, "one."

It was quiet for a second. Mello gaped at Near, opening and closing his mouth like a fish's.

Then...

"It's the fatman! Hide!" All three of them ducked behind the couch.

You know, you had to feel bad for Roger. He catered to crazy genii every day of the damn year, and now he had to dress up as the fatman and put presents out.

The man in the suit huffed. "Oh, damn, the cookies are gone." All three boys watched the scene in terror. Santa huffed. "I swear, that damn L, every year... nice list my foot, that boy's barking mad..." Santa yanked some stuff out of his bag, tossed it under the tree, and stormed out, muttering something about a stiff snifter of brandy in his office.

Silence.

"Well," Near muttered, "this is disillusioning." Mello and Matt nodded in agreement.

Mello shrugged. "I was going to have Matt use the knife, but... I just didn't have the heart for it. Somehow, that poor man seemed to have enough troubles." Matt agreed, adding, "And he seemed rather lonely." Mello nodded.

"He reminds me of Roger..." Matt clapped his hands. "Hey, let's go wake up Roger! Santa came!" Mello nodded.

"Go ahead, Matt. I'll be right there." The redhead nodded, and tore off for Roger's room.

Mello and Near stared at each other for a long, slow moment. Mello grinned, and bent down, brushing his lips gently against Near's for a slow minute.

"Returning the favor." He whispered, before turning on his heel to follow Matt. Near smiled to himself for a moment before getting up to go with the two boys.

And back in his room, L Lawliet happily munched his prize of Christmas cookies.


	5. RaitoL:Why Matt Smokes

(AU crack. WHACKED OUT AU crack. I mean, dude, they're all at a zoo. WTF. And Mello, Matt and Near all are chibi-children. Just to clear up. And L and Light are taking them to the zoo. Why? I don't know. And everyone is OOC, huzzah! /Except maybe Matt...?/

I told you Near got eaten by a snake. I didn't say he died. And Why Matt Smokes, /The Untold Story!/ and L and Light are magically a couple, and they are all in Britain. This makes absolutely no sense. And I so totally condone Near/Albino Peacock.

And L is TOO the Panda Whisperer. TOTALLY.

I don't own.)

* * *

"I don't believe you."

"Light-kun, the act of disbelief is perfectly natural. Unbelief, however, is another story." The detective said in a monotone.

"There is a fine line between _that _and this. I don't care. The panda is not your distant goddamn cousin." Light grumbled, leaning against the cage walls. He put his head in his hands, and took a deep breath.

He had_ agreed_ to this. Sure, sure, let's take an _entire orphanage_ of_ kids_ to the _zoo_. What could _possibly _go _wrong_?!

"I will commune with him. I can, you know." Light just raised an eyebrow.

"You're a detective, not an animal whisperer. Dammit, why don't you try getting Near out of the snake!? Isn't he your successor?!"

"...There's always Mello."

"...Mello's the one _feeding him to the snake_."

"...Well, technically, it's not_ murder_... I mean, it's really the _snake_ that's eating him."

Light rolled his eyes, and went over to get the shrieking albino out of the reticulated python's stomach.

About five minutes later, L was still pressed against the panda's cage, whistling gently. The bear sat on his haunches, and studied L.

L gazed at him with his heavy-lidded and dark-circled eyes, putting his thumb in his mouth.

The panda took a stick of bamboo, and put his paw in his mouth, taking a bit of bamboo with him.

"Isn't it cute?" Matt said, playing Zoo Tycoon DS while watching the panda. "Maybe it'll sneeze. Make it sneeze, Panda Whisperer!" L puffed his chest up importantly.

"I _am_, see, Light-kun! I am L, greatest detective in the world, and PANDA WHISPERER!"

Light rolled his eyes, and ruffled his boyfriend's hair. "It's a miracle I put up with you, you know that?" L nodded.

"I love you." Light grinned, and gave him a quick kiss.

"AWWWW... Lookit the pandas, they're copying L and Light!" Mello crowed. Sure enough, the two pandas in the enclosure were nuzzling each other.

A baby panda waddled out between the two of them, and sat down. She sneezed, and all three Wammy's kids present cooed happily. "Awww, wookit da widdle pandah bear, whosocute? _You_socute!" Matt raised an eyebrow as Mello babbled at the panda baby, who toddled over to him, and bumped her head on the enclosure.

Mello immediately went into panda-love mode. "Awww, aren't you so cute! Panda-baby is so cute, yessheis, yessheis, yes, uh..." He turned back to the others. Near coughed into his hand discreetly, trying not to laugh. Matt was failing, leaning against the wall for support and screaming with laughter. Mello narrowed his eyes.

"You tell anyone about this, and I swear to _god _I am sacrificing you to the snake." Near nodded, and hid behind Matt, who was starting to feel like the only one that had escaped any sort of odd wrath by being at the zoo today...

"Oi, well, what now?" Near said, wanting personally to go to the gift shop for toys. Mello grinned.

"Giraffes?" L nodded, and dragged Light away, beckoning for the other children to follow him. The kids rolled their eyes, having gotten used to L and his insistence at keeping Light his man-bitch.

Once they got to the enclosure, Mello grinned, and plucked a twig off the tree, and stuck it out. The giraffe took it in his tongue, and bent his neck over the fence. Mello scrambled up to the giraffe, and slid down to where he could grip the giraffe's neck.

Mello rode off screaming something about 'animal rebellion', and Matt was left standing there clueless as to _why _he loved Mello so much. That boy was a goddamn psycho.

"Um, uh, L, Light...?" Matt called out, unsure of what to do in this situation.

The two were making out, utterly oblivious to this situation. Matt sighed. Oh so typical.

He shuffled over to the bird enclosure. Near had flocks of swans surrounding him. Puzzled, Matt raised an eyebrow.

"...Help me... I think they've elected me, like, their god or something..." Near pleaded. Matt shook his head. "Back away, really slowly..."

Near tried to. But then the albino peacock strutted out of his enclosure. When he saw Near, he cooed softly, and fluffed out his feathers, whipping the swans away, and coming up to Near, whistling. Matt gaped.

"Uh, I think he's performing a mating dance, Near..." The albino's eyes were wide open in terror.

"What do I do?!" Matt shrugged. "Uh, be his wife, I guess..." Near shrieked, and fled, the peacock zipping after him.

Matt rolled an eye back in L, Light, and Mello's direction.

L and Light were still making out. Didn't they _breathe _or something?!

Mello now had an entire pride of lions, a murder of crows, a flock of swans, a tribe of penguins, and about three-fourths of the reptile house under his command. With this, he was laying siege to the cages, yowling about 'freedom' or whatnot.

(Roger, poor poor Roger, was sitting inside Wammy's, cackling like mad at his good fortune without the blasted children in the house, and swilling down an expensive bottle of brandy.)

Matt observed the scene quietly for a moment.

Then, even quieter, he took out a cigarette, and lit it. He sighed with almost orgasmic pleasure as the smoke clouded his senses.

And _that_ was how Matt started smoking. A traumatic incident at the zoo can do that to you.


	6. NearHal:Just can't take a shower

(I love this pairing for some weird reason. Therefore, I WRITE! Anyways, not much snark from me this time, since, well, I don't know what to snark about. Oh, yeah, Gevanni always pegged me as the joking, friendly, not-emo-albino member. Besides, I like him, he's cool. Okay, don't own.

Poor Hal. She just can't take a shower or a bath without being interrupted. /sighs/.)

* * *

Hal buried her head in her hands, and sighed. She was desperately in need of sleep, a bath, and a couple of drinks. She winced, feeling her legs protest with pain as she limped down the street and up to the nondescript apartment complex.

She swore, fumbling for her card key to her apartment. "Damn you, Near." She grumbled. "This is all your fault." Damn the white-haired man and his 'instincts'. _"Kira will be this man, I know it! There's a seven percent chance of blah blah BLAH!" _She mocked, fully knowing she sounded like a psycho.

She found the key, and headed in, flopping gratefully down on her bed. She gathered herself together, and opened the bathroom door, undressing as quickly as she could before turning the hot water on.

She hummed gently to herself as she sank into the giant tub, swishing the bubbly foam around with a shake of her hips. She smiled to herself, and breathed out slowly.

It was so wonderful here. Just in the quiet, with her own thoughts, and her own mind. No toys to trip over in heels, no endless chatter from Gevanni, no files of Kira propaganda to slog through.

Bliss.

She closed her eyes, and sagged back, feeling the foam cling to her breasts. She stopped humming, and looked up. Cursing softly, she heard her phone ringing. She stood up, and, sopping wet, slipped on the linoleum floor, and thudded down on her head.

She swore again, trying to stand, and, ultimately, slipping. She screamed in frustration. "Fuck!" She spat, struggling again to stand. Meanwhile, as if taunting her, the phone continued to ring.

"You know what?! FUCK YOU, MISTER PHONE! I'M IN THE BATHTUB! LEAVE ME ALONE!" She screamed at her phone.

In the silence that followed, she contemplated if she was going mad. Her answer, sadly, was probably.

She grumbled in annoyance, and got back in the tub, putting a soothing hot rag over her throbbing head, wincing slightly at the quick pain.

* * *

Near gaped silently at the phone in his hand. "Gevanni! Hal's not answering her phone!" The raven-haired man glanced at Near, who seemed thoroughly spooked. Gevanni shrugged.

"What's your point? So she's in the shower or something, it's no big deal." Near threw a robot at his head.

"Are you crazy?! She could be dead right now! There is a ten percent chance of Kira having found out her real name, and killed her!" Near rushed out the door, still in bare feet. Gevanni rolled his eyes, and followed Near.

"I swear, 'ten percent' my ass, Near's just paranoid..." An idea came to Gevanni as he was getting in the car, as Near gripped his toy in terror.

"You have a thing for Hal, don't you?" Near swiveled his head to gaze at Gevanni murderously.

"I do not have a _'thing' _for Hal. I am merely worried she was killed by Kira." Gevanni rolled his eyes.

"Right, okay, Near, you're the boss. But I'll leave you two alone in her apartment, just in case." Near, having only one robot and none left to waste, settled for gazing murderously at Gevanni._  
_

He, of course, was finding this hysterical. "Near has a thing for_ Haaaal_, oh yes-he-does, Near, freaking Near the_ Emo. Albino_. Oh, he has a thing for Haaaaal..." Near merely glared at him the entire trip, which said a lot about Gevanni's ability to take this crap, because when Near glared, he _glared._

Hal was still in her tub, oblivious to the entire situation, as Near and Gevanni drove up to the apartment. Near grunted. "We should get her better living quarters." Gevanni smirked.

"Like in your bed—ouch! Okay, don't hit me!" Near smacked Gevanni with the plastic robot, eyes wild with fury.

"But seriously, why are you so annoyed? Hal's pretty sweet, you know. Nice ass, and probably a firecracker in bed, from the way she carries herself..." Gevanni trailed off, fantasizing. "But of course, she's obviously yours, Near, so why bother?" Near said nothing, just stormed up the steps. Gevanni noted the slight color on Near's face, and sighed.

"Though, if I'm correct, this is hardly relevant to a virgin like you." Gevanni didn't get an answer, just a frustrated shriek.

True to his word, Gevanni waited at the end of the hallway, and chuckled softly as Near opened the door.

"HAL!" He said, yelling into the apartment. Which, for Near, was really only about normal decibel level, but for him, it was loud. No response.

Near's eyes widened. Oh god, she was dead. "HAL!" He roared, rushing into the door, bursting into the room, wishing he'd brought a gun, and—

"WHAT THE FUCK?! DO YOU ALL FUCKING _STALK _ME!?" Near blinked.

"I... I thought you were dead." Hal, wrapped up in a giant fluffy pink towel and bright pink complexion to match, snarled at him.

"You stupid fucking _idiot. _I was in the fucking _tub." _Near stood there silently. "Do you have a rubber duck?" He asked, cocking his head to an angle, and staring at her. Hal gaped at him, unsure of what to say.

"...Near, no one but you has a damn rubber duck in their tub. Okay? Okay. Now, do you actually want me to believe you fucking drove here _just because I didn't answer my phone?" _She said, voice dropping into a deadly whisper. Near nodded.

"...I was very worried for you, Hal. I wanted to make sure you weren't hurt." He said quietly, taking her hand. Hal flushed pink again, and nodded.

"...Thank you, Near. I'm fine, don't worry. I can take care of myself." Near nodded, and she saw there was a bit of shine to his eyes. He was holding back tears.

"I'm, uh... I'm sorry I yelled at you. You startled me." He nodded. She frowned. Not good enough.

Smiling gently, she leaned in, and kissed his lips gently, and felt Near tense. She laughed silently, and pulled away. "There. My sorry kiss." Near gazed at her, openmouthed.

She walked past him, and shut the door, going to get a pair of clothes on. Near finally shut his mouth and gathered his senses enough to walk out the door.

Hal was sitting on the bed, a giant t-shirt advertising Guinness beer and underwear the only thing she was wearing, grinning at Near.

"Cat got your tongue?" She chided, curling up on the bed. "Come join me." He padded over to her silently, and clambered into the bed next to her, feeling the creak of the box springs clang in his ears.

She leaned in, and laid her head on his. "You smell nice." She murmured. "Like baby powder." He sniffed indignantly, and she smiled. "Not that you're a baby yourself." He sighed softly, and snuggled closer to her.

"You smell like strawberries. It's...nice." Near said, taking a strand of her hair and twirling it. She chuckled.

"...I left Gevanni out in the hallway, you know." Near said. Hal shrugged, and laughed. "Leave him there. I dare him to come in here."

With that, the two drifted off to sleep. Ten minutes later, Gevanni did come in.

He stared at the two of them, sighed, and walked out to the car.

Really, he'd needle them both for it later, he swore.

But for the moment, they were too cute to break up.


	7. NearMello:Wanna play with MY toys?

(I know I _think_ I said more L/Light this time, but I HAD to get this out, so L/Light tomorrow, since I've already done it twice, and I HAD TO WRITE THIS.

Oh my god, I am possibly the most perverted person that has ever lived. EVER. I was talking to my friend, and we were chatting about this pairing. I got the mental image of Mello asking Near this question, and I was like, "HOLY CRAP I HAVE TO WRITE THIS."

I don't think it needs an M rating, but as a warning, mentions...uh, kinky stuff. All double entrendes, but... Anyways, I don't own. And I promise Matt/Mello in the next two chapters. /swears/)

* * *

"Near, why must you play with those damn toys all day...?" Mello blurted out, gun to Hal's head, unblinkingly glaring at his rival.

Both the commander and Gevanni lowered their guns, out of sheer shock. "What?" Gevanni mouthed. Hal shrugged. Mello pulled the gun away from Hal's head, and shoved it in the holster. "You heard me. I asked a damn question." He bit into his chocolate bar, and growled softly.

Near turned around to face Mello, and stared up at him. "I like my toys, Mello. They're fun, they keep me occupied, and they help me think. It's nice to relieve the stress of working on a case, and, well, they're just fun." Mello thought for a second. Everyone in the room stared at the two of them warily, unsure of what both were up to.

Mello knelt down to Near's level, and looked him in the eyes. Smirking gently, he murmured, "Would you like to play with _my _toys, Near?"

...Aaaand, _complete_ scene change.

Gevanni and Hal looked at each other in amusement. Let Near solve this one for himself.

Near blinked at Mello, puzzled by the situation. "You play with toys, too? What kind?" Mello's face split into a giant grin.

"They're a lot like yours, actually. They're fun, they keep me occupied...and I suppose they've helped me think, once or twice. And they _certainly _relive stress." By this point, everyone else in the room was in silent giggle fits.

Near stared at him for a minute. Then he smiled, an honest-to-god little kid smile that made Mello stop and think. "_Jesus Christ, I feel like a pedophile." _He muttered. Near stopped. "What?"

"Nothing." Mello said hurriedly. He resumed his quiet seduction.

"Near? If you like, my offer still stands. I'll let you play with my toys." Near nodded.

"Can I play with you?" He said, incredibly serious. Mello nodded slowly.

Hal ran out of the room, snorting hysterically. Gevanni followed quickly after, and the commander put his head in his hands.

Mello took Near by the hand, and pulled him up. "Come on, Near. We'll go play with my toys. They're all sorts of wonderful colors, too..." Near smiled, and buried his face in Mello's neck.

"You're a lot better when you're nice." Mello smirked. "_Trust me, soon you won't _want _me to be nice." _He led Near out of the room, and down the hall, straight to Near's room.

Hal and Gevanni rushed back in. "...Did he _really _say that?" Gevanni giggled, snorting in laughter. Hal nodded, laughing quietly. "Uh-huh. Look at it this way; they'll work together now, Near's not a virgin anymore, and..." Hal struggled to say the last part.

"Near can play with Mello's toys."

Everyone began screaming with laughter.

Back in Near's room...

"Mello? I thought you said you had toys..." Mello nodded. "Get on the bed, Near, and I'll show them to you."

He unzipped his jacket, and pulled it off, yanking something out of his pocket.

"It's a pretty color. Pink is so nice. But what does it _do?" _Mello pushed Near back on the bed, and yanked his shirt off.

Note that at any time, Near could've stopped it. But he didn't, merely watched in interest as Mello used his fuzzy pink toys to chain him to the bedposts.

"Would you like to see my _other_ toys?" Mello purred. Near grinned.

"_Please."_


	8. MattMello: Cigarette Kisses

(I have to work on my L/Light thing, mostly because I am trying to think of a damned original plot point. I tried the strip joint one, which I loved, but now...I'm out. So, I bring you Matt/Mello!

This is slightly angsty, so I'm changing the second category to General, rather than have to write humor in every drabble. Anyways, don't own.)

* * *

"You're smoking again?" Mello chided, glaring down at his boyfriend in amusement. Matt nodded, and inhaled.

"Smoke is the only thing that comes close to tasting as good as you." He teased, seeing Mello sniff in annoyance.

"I should think not. I taste way better than a cigarette. Do you know how many chemicals are in those things?" Matt shrugged.

"Yes, _mom, _I do. I do not care, because I'm going to end up dying young anyways." Mello's eyes softened.

"Don't say that, you stupid bitch." Matt rolled his eyes. "You're the only person I know who could and does call me that, and manages to make it sound endearing." Mello laughed.

"Mmyep. That's why you love me." Matt sighed, and pulled the cigarette out of his mouth, kissing Mello quickly before putting it back in.

"You suck." He grinned, and Mello knew it was an invitation. He sat on Matt's lap, and shut off his video game, glancing up at the redhead with bedroom eyes.

Matt put out his cigarette. He'd smoke later.

* * *

The next day, Mello and Matt prepared for their latest scheme; Mello was going to kidnap Takada and make her reveal Kira's identity. Matt, of course, was going to help.

Mello stared thoughtfully at the cigarette dangling from Matt's lips. He looked up at his lover, and took the cigarette out gently, and wrapped his lips around it. Matt stared at him strangely, wondering what Mello was up to.

Mello handed him his cigarette back, and grinned. "Cigarette kisses. Now you get to taste me and the cigarette together."

Matt laughed, and hugged him. "I love you." Mello smiled at him, and said, "Love you too."

"_And that's why I'm not telling you that if this works, I'll die." _He added privately.

The two split up at the news station, Matt still smoking the cigarette Mello had kissed.

Driving down the roadway, guards on his tail, Matt had begun to laugh, still tasting Mello on the cigarette, and remembering that it was going to be okay now; Mello was going to catch Kira, and they would live happily ever after!

And even as he got out of the car, and the guards leveled their guns on him, he still believed that.

Even as they shot him, he believed that, because he'd known in his heart if the plan worked, Mello would die. It_ would_ work; they'd be together in heaven or hell or nothingness or whatever, if that was what it came to.

As he died, blood pouring from out of him and onto his jacket, the last sensation he felt was the ash of the cigarette, felt the velvet kiss still imprinted on it.

The last thing he _tasted..._Was Mello.


	9. RaitoL:Megalomaniac

(I had to do this. I've been waiting for Spore to come out for YEARS. YEARS. And I was like, "Light's a frickin' megalomaniac. What would he make of a game like this?" And this was the result. Anyways, I told you I could think of a different plot! WOO! Anyways, set in Yotsuba arc, I don't own, please enjoy.)

* * *

Light growled softly at the screen. "LOAD, DAMN YOU!" He roared, slamming his hands on the desk. Ryuzaki, who was sitting next to him, jumped.

"Light-kun, whatever is the matter? The computer's been working fine for almost a week now." He soothed the temperamental boy.

"My fucking copy of Spore won't load!" He spat, hitting the enter key a few more times. L raised an eyebrow.

"...Spore?" He questioned, unsure of what Light-kun was talking about. The boy nodded.

"Spore. It's a video game where you create your own world and conquer the galaxy and stuff. It looked like fun." He grumbled. "If the stupid fucking thing would upload."

"Language, Light-kun."

"Fuck me."

L turned to him, and raised an eyebrow at the boy, who was now bright red. "Freudian slip, Light-kun?" The boy grabbed a book with his non-chained arm, and chucked it at Ryuzaki.

"Well, I was just asking." The detective harrumphed. Light ignored him, and crowed happily.

"It's loading, it's loading!"

Five minutes into the game, L decided that Light was so into this 'Spore' phenomenon that it wouldn't matter if he unlocked the chain for a bit, and broke free of Light to take a solitary shower.

...Not that he minded showering with Light-kun, but it was nice to be in the quiet of his own thoughts.

Ten minutes later, a pleasantly warm L stepped out of the shower, and saw Light, cackling like a madman and staring at his computer screen.

"Take THAT, unconquered space! You will bow before my wrath! I AM RIGHTEOUSNESS!" He howled, leaning back in his chair and laughing hysterically for a few moments.

Light-kun was beginning to scare L.

"Light-kun...?"

"DIE, SPACE INVADERS! I WILL OWN YOU WITH MY 1337 SKILLS!" He spat at the screen.

..._What in the name of hell had happened to this boy? _

L was starting to think that even if Light wasn't Kira, the boy had serious mental problems, the _least _of which was schizophrenia.

Sexy Schizophrenic Lad, newest superhero from DC Comics.

...And now apparently the mental disease permeating Light was catchable.

And _why _had his imagination placed Light in spandex and leather?

"I will make an ideal world. Filled with happy little Sporians, and no criminals what-so-ever." L had to interrupt.

"Sounds an awful lot like Kira."

Light finally turned around to face Ryuzaki.

"Shut up." He ordered. He pulled the detective close, and kissed him, taking both unchained, /dammit, in retrospect, that had been a terrible idea. Must never do that again, hands and running them through L's hair.

He broke away about a minute later, ran his tongue along his lips, turned back to the glowing screen, and blew up another planet.

L pulled his lips back in a snarl. Kira or not, that boy was baiting him into responding. Light was _going _to finish what he'd started, whether or not the drop-dead gorgeous boy consented.

* * *

Ryuzaki sighed. He'd taken the chain off for almost half an hour now, but it had been necessary. He needed the chain for other purposes.

Just before he closed the locks on the handcuffs, he switched the power off.

"Dammit!" He heard Light hiss from downstairs. "Stupid fucking building!" He stormed upstairs, exactly into their room, where the power switches were kept.

He fumbled around for a bit, and found the switch, exactly as L knew he would. As the lights came on, he turned around—

And found Ryuzaki naked, handcuffed to the bed.

"...Oh my god." Light stared. L grinned, and shifted his hips a bit, rising them up.

"Light-kun, I believe that the game of Spore is giving you flashbacks to a time when you were possibly Kira. Do something else."

Light's jaw must've dropped about a good eight inches. Good. The boy's mouth was going to _need _that much flexibility.

And of course, Light-kun knew exactly what he meant.

He trailed a hand up L's thigh.

"Only if it involves you."

L stared at his top suspect in the Kira case.

"I love you."

Light opened his mouth to respond, but L shook his head.

"Kiss me. It'll be your answer."

Light-kun's answer was all he could've asked for.

The Spore game flickered once, twice, and shut off.

"...Was getting rid of _all _the power necessary?"

"...Do you WANT this to be recorded on camera?"

Thankfully, soon after, Light found more interesting things to do with his mouth than complain.


	10. MatsudaMikami:The cake is a LIE!

(My god, I love this pairing so much. I do not know why, nor do I care. But I love it. Once again, inspired by real-life events. Only it was a microwave originally...those things are agents of _Satan, _I tell you! Anyways, I don't own, and I hope you enjoy this short drabble. And remember, THE CAKE IS A LIE!)

* * *

Teru Mikami sighed, and ran his fingers through his hair.

He'd left Matsuda home alone.

"This was akin to starting World War Three," he murmured, "and if I make it through this night alive, it'll be a miracle."

He was a famous prosecutor and a brilliant man, loved by the wronged of Japan and all—who happened to be secretly dating another man.

He smiled to himself as he walked down the street, hoping to get to his house quickly.

Frankly, he was all for being open about his relationship, but Matsuda had insisted that it be kept secret until Kira was caught; after all, he didn't think the investigation team would approve of anyone outside the force knowing his real name.

He bit his lip, and saw smoke trailing out of his window. "Matsuda, I'm going to murder you." He muttered, fumbling for his keys and slamming them into the lock.

He opened the door quickly, and as smoke trailed past him and outside the door, he prayed to any deity listening that Matsuda hadn't set himself—or the kitchen—on fire. Again.

(Never, ever, ever, let him make crème brulee, even if he pouts at you cutely. Because even if he gets the cream on himself, it's too burnt to lick off properly.)

He stopped his horrid flashback, and called out, "Matsu-chan? Are you alright?"

"Fine, Mika-chan!" A voice answered. Teru sighed. He'd have to talk to Matsuda about that little nickname...But he got to the point.

"Why is everything in my house smoking?"

Silence.

"...Um...'Cause it's a nicotine addict?"

Teru laughed in spite of himself.

"I'm not mad. I'm just wondering if you've gotten into trouble again."

A few moments passed, and a smoky but otherwise unharmed Matsuda Tota shuffled out of the bedroom, a sheepish grin on his face.

Mikami raised an eyebrow, and trailed a finger down Matsuda's face. "What did you _do, _darling?" Matsuda shrugged.

"Well...Okay, this was a total accident, I swear, but I _really _had to know what would happen if I did it, so I tried to fix our oven, you know, since it hasn't been working..." Mikami was starting to get a _really _bad feeling.

"Get to the _point, _Matsu-chan." He hissed through clenched teeth. The detective sighed.

"Okay, so I decided to use those little fire-starter trigger things, you know what I mean, and I stuck it into the little oven ridges to see if I could warm up the gas heater and make it work again, and—"

"YOU DID WHAT?!"

"—the oven exploded." Matsuda finished.

Mikami shook his head. "I'm sure it's rather burnt, but that's not the point, the gas could've started and you would've been _killed—"_

"Teru, I'm serious, it's _literally exploded, there is nothing left—"_

"YOU COULD'VE DIED, AND YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT THE DAMNED OVEN!?" Mikami roared at the top of his lungs. Matsuda stopped, and noticed Teru had a frightened look in his eyes.

He shook his head, and kissed his anxious boyfriend gently. "I'm fine, sweetheart. It didn't really hit me." Teru held him.

"You're a freaking moron. As if I cared about the damned oven. You know that the cake is a lie."

"What?" Matsuda said, cocking his head and staring at Mikami.

"...Nothing. Let's just go survey the damage."

Two minutes later, in the kitchen...

"Jesus _Christ_, Matsuda. I'm not letting you play with fire ever again."

"...I _told_ you it exploded."

"...I just...Honey, be really, really glad I'm a fan of takeout. Otherwise, I would freaking chain you to the bed and _leave you there." _

"Oooh, that sounds like fun!"

Mikami glared at Matsuda, who shrugged.

"It_ does_, even if you're usually the uke."

His lips pulled back in a snarl. Matsuda laughed.

"That's my feisty little prosecutor. Now give me a 'raar'!" Mikami smiled in spite of himself. God, how he loved this man.

"Rawr."

"_LOUDER_!"

"RAAAWR, GODDAMN YOU!"

The two looked at each other, and dissolved in a fit of giggles.

After about another minute or two, Matsuda looked at Mikami, and raised an eyebrow.

"I was serious about chaining me to the bed..."

Mikami grinned, and kissed Matsuda.

"Anything to keep you away from flammables."

And it was a very interesting 'anything' that Mikami thought of, indeed.


	11. HalMisa:Text Message

(I'm sorry this hasn't been updated in forever. I've been working on another Death Note fic, this one a complete AU involving an OC and no Light!Kira. But Higuchi!Kira and Takada!Kira and OC!Kira because goddamnit, I hate the first two. Also, quick question: Misa or Mello? This is important to the plot. So far, really tied.

Anyways, there is like, NO FREAKING YURI in the Death Note fandom. If any of my readers writes Hal/Misa for me, I will dedicate an entire damn oneshot to you. Really. Anyways, don't own.)

* * *

Hal sighed, checking her cell phone for the fifth time. No calls from Mello, no nothing.

Which may have been a good thing. She was at work right now, and a call from her lover wouldn't be a very good idea.

No, not Mello. That boy was pretty much screwing Matt senseless, in fact, probably right now.

No, Misa Amane.

Uh-huh.

The little blonde tart had first approached her at an event with both her and Kiyomi Takada. Hal had merely paid her no attention as the girl chattered, until Misa got an annoyed look on her face, and viciously smashed her lips into Hal's. Immediately getting her attention, the girl grinned.

"_Sheesh, I try to hit on someone, and all they want is a kiss. Hot frickin' damn, this is easier than I thought." _

Hal put her head in her hands to hide her smile.

And then, of course, Hal watched in amusement as Kiyomi and Misa got into a screaming match over Light Yagami's sexuality. Misa had pretty much asserted he was gay, while Kiyomi said she knew he was straight. The two did not compromise on bisexual.

And to top it all off, Light was watching the entire thing.

No, really. And it was all...on...CAMERA.

She sighed. There was a possibility that Misa was actually was the second Kira, but Hal had decided against caring. Either way, there was a possibility Kira would win, and Hal would die, so...at least she knew that for a time, Misa had cared.

It made her sad, though. It had been about a month now, and Misa had yet to say 'I love you'. Of course, she would also probably be struggling with feelings for another woman while being Japan's top idol, with the woman in question also being about six years her senior. It basically screamed 'SCANDAL'.

But Hal stuck it out, because she was damn determined to do so.

In her reverie, it took her a minute to realize that her phone was signaling she had a text message. She flipped it open, and processed it.

"_Hal: I r nekkid on yur bed. Ass over to yur place. NAO. Luv, Misa."_

Hal slammed her phone down, and screamed, "YEEEEEEES! FUCKIN' FINALLY!" Near jumped.

"Hal, where are you going?" He asked quietly, as the woman fled for the door.

"Going to...get information from Mello." She said.

The blonde waved. "Yeah, right here." She stopped.

"Feeding...my...dead goldfish."

"But they're_ dead_."

"Screwing my girlfriend senseless."

"Oh, okay—wait, WHAT?!" Near yelled, as Hal already flung the door open, and ran out in heels and a suit, rushing right back to her house.

Mello raised an eyebrow from Matt's lap. "And here I am thinking I had something by living in her bathroom." Matt rolled his eyes. Near looked up at Gevanni.

"How...would that be possible? Don't they need—" Gevanni slapped a hand over Near's mouth.

"CHANGING THE SUBJECT NOW!" He yelled. Near ignored him. "But, I don't get it."

Mello shoved a laptop in Near's face.

"Take this as a lesson. Something _I_ know that _you _don't."

"What could _you_ possibly know that_ I_ don't—OH, MY GOD."

Mello laughed hysterically. Matt sighed, and restarted his game. He'd just gotten killed because of Near's hysterical screaming.

* * *

Hal practically wrenched her door off the hinges, storming into her bedroom. Nothing.

"Goddamn!" She yelped. "Where are you, my pretty little bitch?" She purred. She huffed. Might as well prepare.

Clothes shed, haphazardly spread over the floor, she stormed over to the bed. She climbed on it, and noticed a note pinned to it.

"_Look behind you." _She read out loud. "Well, that's stupid—"

The rest of her sentence was interrupted by a tackle from behind. She almost freaked out, until Misa piped up, "Foooooled you!"

Hal turned around.

"The hell was that for?!" She yelled. Misa shrugged, and rubbed against Hal teasingly.

"Because I caaaan. Don't be such a wuss." Hal rolled her eyes.

"That was just..." Misa pouted.

"If I tell you I love you, can we still do it?" Hal stopped short.

"...Misa?" She said, turning around and clasping her /also naked, for the record/ lover. The blonde raised an eyebrow. "Mmm?"

Hal kissed her. "Only if you mean it."

Misa nodded. "Okay. Then I love you."

Hal almost died of happiness. In her blissful state, she didn't notice Misa shove her gently back onto the bed, and she only barely registered the handcuffs closing shut.

But she did hear Misa's amused laugh. "Always wanted to try bondage."


	12. LightMikami:Stealing your logic

(/Crosses off something on a list/ Okay! I got Mpreg off my list of Things I Must Do in a Fanfiction. Though I might do it again...anyways, yeah...OMG ANGST. Mikami still has his memories...'cause...because. I don't frickin' know.

Even if it was fake or whatever, there's the four hundred and ninety day rule, so...technically...Ah, whatever. Seriously though...in Mpreg, wouldn't one of them have to be a hermaphrodite? Like, have female repro organs?

...Ahem. As is customary... I R IN UR PLOT BUNNEHS, STEELIN UR LOGICZ.

Sorry about that. But really. Okay, so Light's OOC. And I pretty much shot canon in the foot. I'm sorry. But he needs to have a love life! Seriously! Poor Light, so asexual. And after L dies, Teru is essentially his man-bitch, so...yeah. I don't own.)

* * *

Teru Mikami served God.

He did whatever God asked of him, and did not complain, for God's pleasure was his pleasure.

_Light. _

"The name suits you," He'd told his God when he had learned God's name, "For you are the light of a new world."

God had laughed, and kissed him.

He'd almost cried out in exultation when God kissed him. God tasted like perfection, like cinnamon and sugar, like a God would taste.

He did what God asked, did what Light asked, since they were one and the same, technically.

But right now, he was ready to completely refuse his God. Why?

Because God wanted Mikami to leave him to die.

"Mikami," Light whispered, while the two sat in his office, where no one had thought to put any cameras. "What I am going to do tonight...I want you to turn and run away. Leave the notebook behind. Just go."

Mikami shook his head. "No." He said quietly. "I will not leave you." Light, God, whatever he was, shook his head.

"That's an order. There is a chance we will die. And my greatest servant—in more ways than one—," Here Mikami blushed, "Needs to be alive. Continue on with judgment if I die." Mikami shook his head.

"You're God. You cannot die." Light pulled away, golden eyes softening.

"No. But you can." Light knew he could die. He was not that lost in his madness. But Mikami was fully mortal...and as such, must be protected. Mikami began to weep silently. "I don't want to lose you." He whispered. Light pressed him close.

"You won't. I'll always be there, Mikami." He held his God close, and believed that with all his heart, even though it might not be true.

At the warehouse the next day, the boy, Nate River...he wrote all their names down. And he lingered for a moment, even though God had told him not to. But he had to see Light's face...

It was quiet for a moment, as the forty seconds ticked down. Then Light turned to the door.

"_I love you, Mikami." _

Mikami looked into his eyes, and saw that God meant it. With tears in his own crimson eyes, Mikami fled.

About five minutes later, deep in the ruins around the warehouse, he heard God's—no, not God's, Light's, because if there was a god he _would not let this happen_—scream and...

He was dead.

Mikami turned away, and walked slowly back to the streets, knowing he'd failed. It would not have mattered to him in any way if he had died, but Light...

Mikami stifled a sob.

But _Light..._

* * *

It was a month later when, in a routine checkup, the doctors informed an utterly floored Mikami that he was pregnant. Six months along, as a matter of fact.

"Was that why Light kept me behind?" He asked an empty house. "Because..."

Part of him didn't even know if it was damn possible. The Death Note could control people; he still had it, in the chaos of the murder, no one had thought to retrieve it from outside...but it couldn't defy conventional physics...unless Mikami was a hermaphrodite...

He shook his head. It didn't matter. All that really mattered was that now, there would be a remnant of Light left on this world.

Three months later, and three days of excruciating labor pain after _that, _Teru Mikami had a daughter. He almost wept when he saw her eyes...

They were inquisitive and golden, so much like Light's it was almost painful.

He shook his head, seven months after that, as snow fell on the streets. He bit his lip, and stared at his happy young daughter, chewing on a pacifier and tugging on the Christmas tree with wide-eyed wonder.

He looked up into the sky.

"Merry Christmas, Light...wherever you are. You would've liked Tomoyo. She would've made you proud."

Quietly, he wept. The lights from the tree turned into shimmering stars in his watery vision, and he shook his head in silent agony as the snow fell uncaring and cold out onto the ground below.

January twenty-eighth. The first anniversary of Light's death.

Tomoyo, still a tiny child, shifted in his arms as he stared down at the grave the police force had put up. Of course, they had to come up with something.

He'd died catching Kira, they said.

Mikami still had his memories. He knew that wasn't the truth. But...Tomoyo never had to know. He certainly would never tell her.

She pointed at the stone. "Dada." She said quietly.

The snow was falling now. Mikami nodded. "Dada."

And without warning, he burst into tears.

They'd failed.

But as Tomoyo hugged him, he knew that...even if Light was gone...

There were always the pieces left behind to fit together into something. For him, dying would solve nothing.

Mikami smiled. "She's so much like you..."

He picked Tomoyo up, and walked away.

God...Kira...Light...

"Wherever you are," Mikami sighed, "Please wait for me."

And in the void, Light patiently did.


End file.
